The next time he touched himself, a few days later, Cor determinedly tried to think of a woman…any woman would do, apart from Aulea or Clarus’s wife Vidia. But it didn’t work; the more he fixated on breasts and curves and the more secret places that some of the other guards had shown him in magazines, the more his erection wilted. He tried to imagine kissing one of the maidens of the court and realised with a rush of panic that he didn’t actually really want to.
He tried watching porn. He knew Clarus would flip if he found out Cor was accessing some of the more X-rated sites at fifteen; the Shield had assumed the role of his older brother post-road trip with all the protectiveness of a mother lion. In most circumstances, it touched Cor, and he made great efforts to make sure he was never at odds with Clarus. He had to work around the rules this time though, typing a fake age into the website, he had to know…
Conventional porn did nothing for him, much as he tried to be aroused by the moaning, vocal videos. He tried lesbian porn and liked that even less. Then, shaking, knowing he was only going to torture himself, he tried a gay video.
The two men were both young and fit, probably in their early twenties. Their skin shone in a way that suggested oil, displaying their taut muscles to best advantage. They were kissing languidly, open mouthed and wet, while their hard manhoods rubbed against one another. They made continuous, pleased little whimpers into each other's mouths.
Heat flooded Cor’s veins at the sight and he felt his own cock stirring in his pyjama bottoms. He sat on his hands before he could give into the urge to touch. He needed to turn this off.
He didn’t.
The taller man, blond and blue eyed, smirked smoulderingly at his partner and slid to his knees. He kissed the tip of the other man’s cock and then…oh gods... leaned in to take it in his mouth. His partner groaned in pleasure and the blond man swirled his tongue around the length before lavishing attention on the swollen head. He began to bob his head back and forth, reaching down to stroke his own cock in tandem.
Cor shuddered and felt wet heat flood his briefs as the men in the video came. There was a warm contentedness in his body for about two seconds, before abject panic and terror took hold. He hadn’t needed to touch himself. He’d been so turned on by the sight of two men pleasuring each other that he’d come right in his pants. Oh Gods, oh gods, oh gods. Tears began to sting at his eyes.
"They kick queers out of the Crownsguard you know…"
He couldn’t deny what he was now, not with the evidence of his shame cooling stickily in his underwear. Cor sobbed as he stripped them off and stuffed them in his laundry basket and was crying harder by the time he got into the shower.
If anyone found out about this, his entire world was over. The Crownsguard was his life. It had given him purpose, meaning, a reason for being. More than that... it had brought him a family. Cor had never had siblings as a child, but when he’d joined that journey to Accordo, he’d found two older brothers. Regis and Clarus had let him know on no uncertain terms that he was part of their family now, and they treated him accordingly. Regis was good-humoured, encouraging and caring; Clarus fiercely protective, affectionate and tactile.
Bad enough to lose his position in the guard, but to lose Clarus and Regis too…Cor wasn’t sure he’d survive losing another family and being alone all over again! And seeing disgust and contempt in faces which normally looked at him with pride and affection would surely kill him.
No one could know what he was, he told himself angrily. No one.
The more strategic part of his brain overrode his frenzied panic. This could be managed. It did not have to ruin everything. No one would ever suspect he was attracted to men if he never permitted himself to dally with one. And when his brothers, or any of the other guard members, teased him about finding a girlfriend, he would tell them that his duties were his life.
Yes, Cor decided, forcing calm upon himself. Celibacy was the answer. And no one would ever know the truth.
Fill Part 2: Cor hides his sexuality for fear of judgement.
He tried watching porn. He knew Clarus would flip if he found out Cor was accessing some of the more X-rated sites at fifteen; the Shield had assumed the role of his older brother post-road trip with all the protectiveness of a mother lion. In most circumstances, it touched Cor, and he made great efforts to make sure he was never at odds with Clarus. He had to work around the rules this time though, typing a fake age into the website, he had to know…
Conventional porn did nothing for him, much as he tried to be aroused by the moaning, vocal videos. He tried lesbian porn and liked that even less. Then, shaking, knowing he was only going to torture himself, he tried a gay video.
The two men were both young and fit, probably in their early twenties. Their skin shone in a way that suggested oil, displaying their taut muscles to best advantage. They were kissing languidly, open mouthed and wet, while their hard manhoods rubbed against one another. They made continuous, pleased little whimpers into each other's mouths.
Heat flooded Cor’s veins at the sight and he felt his own cock stirring in his pyjama bottoms. He sat on his hands before he could give into the urge to touch. He needed to turn this off.
He didn’t.
The taller man, blond and blue eyed, smirked smoulderingly at his partner and slid to his knees. He kissed the tip of the other man’s cock and then…oh gods... leaned in to take it in his mouth. His partner groaned in pleasure and the blond man swirled his tongue around the length before lavishing attention on the swollen head. He began to bob his head back and forth, reaching down to stroke his own cock in tandem.
Cor shuddered and felt wet heat flood his briefs as the men in the video came. There was a warm contentedness in his body for about two seconds, before abject panic and terror took hold. He hadn’t needed to touch himself. He’d been so turned on by the sight of two men pleasuring each other that he’d come right in his pants. Oh Gods, oh gods, oh gods. Tears began to sting at his eyes.
"They kick queers out of the Crownsguard you know…"
He couldn’t deny what he was now, not with the evidence of his shame cooling stickily in his underwear. Cor sobbed as he stripped them off and stuffed them in his laundry basket and was crying harder by the time he got into the shower.
If anyone found out about this, his entire world was over. The Crownsguard was his life. It had given him purpose, meaning, a reason for being. More than that... it had brought him a family. Cor had never had siblings as a child, but when he’d joined that journey to Accordo, he’d found two older brothers. Regis and Clarus had let him know on no uncertain terms that he was part of their family now, and they treated him accordingly. Regis was good-humoured, encouraging and caring; Clarus fiercely protective, affectionate and tactile.
Bad enough to lose his position in the guard, but to lose Clarus and Regis too…Cor wasn’t sure he’d survive losing another family and being alone all over again! And seeing disgust and contempt in faces which normally looked at him with pride and affection would surely kill him.
No one could know what he was, he told himself angrily. No one.
The more strategic part of his brain overrode his frenzied panic. This could be managed. It did not have to ruin everything. No one would ever suspect he was attracted to men if he never permitted himself to dally with one. And when his brothers, or any of the other guard members, teased him about finding a girlfriend, he would tell them that his duties were his life.
Yes, Cor decided, forcing calm upon himself. Celibacy was the answer. And no one would ever know the truth.